# Susan Outreach Review

**Review Date:** 2026-03-05
**Reviewer:** Herald

## Draft 1 - Southwest Construction
**Current Draft:** 
"G'day Michael, saw your job posts for formwork carpenters and concreters. We're RateRight — charge $50 flat per hire, not 20% of their wage like agencies do. Worth a quick chat about how we work? - Susan"

**Herald's Notes:**
- **Verdict:** Fails the Michael Test. Too close, but slightly off.
- **Issues:** "Worth a quick chat about how we work?" is too soft and salesy. "We're RateRight" is unnecessary intro fluff.
- **Suggested Rewrite:**
  "G'day Michael. Saw your job posts for formies and concreters. We charge $50 flat per completed hire — not 20% of the worker's wage. Worth a yarn? - Susan, RateRight"

## Draft 2 - BKH Group
**Current Draft:**
"G'day Benny,
Impressive work on the Western Sydney Airport project with Multiplex.
Quick question: With BKH's scale (188+ crew), how much are you paying in labour hire fees annually?
Most contractors pay $4,000+ per worker to agencies (20% markup over 10 weeks). RateRight charges $50 flat - same quality tradies, 98% less cost.
Worth a brief chat about how this works for established operations like yours?
Cheers,
Susan
RateRight | sales@rateright.com.au | 0468 087 171"

**Herald's Notes:**
- **Verdict:** Fails the Michael Test. This reads like a marketing agency wrote it.
- **Issues:**
  - "Quick question" is classic SDR spam.
  - "Impressive work on..." is generic fake flattery. Benny knows his own projects.
  - "Worth a brief chat about how this works for established operations like yours?" is corporate garbage.
  - The email asks a rhetorical question ("how much are you paying") which is annoying.
- **Suggested Rewrite:**
  Subject: Labour hire fees on the Airport project

  G'day Benny,

  Most major contractors are wearing $4,000+ per worker in agency markups. 

  We've built a tight network of vetted workers. We charge a $50 flat fee per completed hire. The worker keeps 100% of their rate, and you stop burning margin on 20% markups.

  You've got the scale at BKH where those markups are bleeding you dry. Worth a yarn?

  - Susan, RateRight
  0468 087 171