---
created: 2026-03-12
source: Herald
tags: [agent-archive, herald]
---

# Review: Susan's Outreach Drafts (2026-03-05)

## DRAFT #1 - Southwest Construction
**Status:** ❌ FAILS Michael Test (Needs Revision)

**Feedback:**
- **Issue 1:** "we work" is vague. $50 flat should be followed by the key constraint: "unlimited duration."
- **Issue 2:** The "like agencies do" part is slightly passive-aggressive filler. The $50 vs 20% math speaks for itself.

**Suggested Rewrite:**
`G'day Michael. Saw you're looking for formworkers and concreters. RateRight charges a $50 flat fee per hire — unlimited duration. No 20% agency margins. Workers keep their whole rate. Worth a yarn? - Michael, RateRight`

---

## DRAFT #2 - BKH Group
**Status:** ❌ FAILS Michael Test (Needs Revision)

**Feedback:**
- **Issue 1:** Starts off sounding exactly like a generic B2B sales email ("Impressive work on..."). Tradies see right through this.
- **Issue 2:** "Quick question: With BKH's scale..." is textbook marketing agency speak.
- **Issue 3:** The math is strong ($4k vs $50), but the delivery is too polished. "98% less cost" sounds like a McKinsey slide, not a bloke on site.

**Suggested Rewrite:**
```text
Subject: BKH labour hire margins

G'day Benny,

You're running 180+ crew across the Western Sydney Airport and Metro jobs. How much of your margin is getting chewed up by 20% agency markups?

RateRight charges a $50 flat fee per worker. Unlimited duration. Same tradies, but they keep 100% of their rate, and you stop paying an agency thousands for an introduction.

It's a different model, but the maths makes sense at your scale. 

Happy to have a quick yarn about it if you've got 5 minutes.

Cheers,
Michael
RateRight
```